Kabbalah on Conquering Perfectionism

Hey everyone, welcome to Kabbalah and Me! I’m excited to explore the challenge of overcoming perfectionism. If you, like many—including myself—sometimes struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, you know how exhausting it can be. The truth is, we can’t control every outcome, no matter how much we might want to.

So, how do we maintain high standards and strive for excellence while also staying grounded, realistic, and joyful? To help with this, I’ve put together four big ideas. Let’s dive in!

1. Jacob vs. Esau: The Perfectionist and the Idealist

In the Torah, Jacob and Esau represent two very different personality types. Esau, whose name comes from the Hebrew Asui (meaning “already made”), was born with a fully formed, robust appearance. He symbolizes the perfectionist mindset—the belief that everything should be complete and under control from the start. However, this approach can lead to frustration and negativity when things don’t go as planned.

Jacob, on the other hand, symbolizes the idealist—the one who grows, step by step. His name (Yaakov) comes from Ekev (heel), but it’s connected to the letter Yud, representing divine wisdom. Unlike Esau, Jacob doesn’t have it all figured out from the beginning. Instead, he is constantly working, growing, and striving toward a higher goal.

The lesson? We want to be like Jacob—focused on progress rather than unattainable perfection. Life is a journey, and expecting immediate perfection only leads to disappointment. Even the greatest figures in history—Moses, King David, and Adam—were not perfect. What made them great was their ability to keep moving forward despite their flaws.

2. The Beinoni: Embracing the Struggle

The Beinoni is a concept from Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi’s Tanya. In his work, he describes three types of people:

• Tzaddikim (righteous individuals) who have mastered their struggles.

• Resha’im (wicked ones) who give in to their lower nature.

• Beinoni (the intermediary) who constantly struggles between the two.

Most of us are Beinoni—people who face internal battles every day. The struggle itself is not a sign of failure; rather, it is part of the human experience. When we think we should be beyond struggle, we set ourselves up for frustration and sadness. But when we accept that struggle is part of growth, we can actually find joy in it. The Beinoni says, “Bring it on! I am ready for this challenge.” Just like physical exercise strengthens the body, spiritual and emotional struggles strengthen our souls.

3. You Don’t Have to Complete the Job

The Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers) teaches: “You are not required to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”

This is a powerful lesson for perfectionists. Instead of thinking we must accomplish everything all at once, we need to focus on consistency and daily effort. Success is about showing up.

One helpful approach is the “3D method”:

• Define your goal.

• Divide it into manageable steps.

• Do it daily.

We are day workers in this world, not one-time job finishers. The Jacob within us must remind the perfectionist within us that showing up and doing our best each day is enough.

4. Celebrating Incremental Growth

Most people only celebrate big achievements—graduations, promotions, or major milestones. But what about the small victories?

Think about when a baby takes its first steps. Parents cheer and celebrate those little wobbly steps. In life, we should do the same for ourselves! Every small step in the right direction is meaningful.

This idea is beautifully symbolized by the meal of Melaveh Malka—the fourth meal after Shabbat. Even after fulfilling the obligation of eating three Shabbat meals, we celebrate with an extra meal, representing the joy of going one step further. Even a small, extra effort is significant in God’s eyes.

Each small step we take toward growth is precious. Every time we make a better choice than we did before, it matters. Some days, we may fail—but as long as we keep moving forward, we are living in alignment with Jacob’s path.

This class is a short version of a longer and more in-depth class on conquering perfectionism and is one of eight in-depth classes on discovering your life mission.

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